John Rocker Speaks Out On Race Relations
So I'm cruising along the information superhighway, trying to get some information on the biggest collapses in baseball history, and I stumble across John Rocker's webpage.

Yes, that John Rocker. Go check it out and be absolutely flabbergasted. I'll wait here.

[INSERT ELEVATOR MUSAK]

Back? Okay, good. I think we can all agree when I say, "WTF?!" Let's just list the things wrong with that website:

1. John Rocker has his own webpage.

2. He's going to be on TV. And not cable access, he's going to be on the O'Reilly Factor. Exactly what does a guy have to do to be effectively shunned by the people who book guests for these shows? Is there really someone out there waiting to hear John Rocker's take on anything? Oh, thank God we now have the cogent analysis that only John Rocker could provide.

3. Is he really sponsoring the "Speak English" campaign? Are the comedy gods really that generous? You'd think John Rocker of all people would know to just keep his yap shut about the status of race relations. What moron was trying to gain some traction for this issue and thought to himself, "You know who would be great spokespeople for our movement? Ms. Bikini Universe 2004 and an ex-baseball player famous for two things: 1) blowing saves and 2) making racist comments to Sports Illustrated." John Rocker's not the most racist person on earth, but he's quite possibly one of the dumbest. Can you imagine being dumb enough to tell a reporter, who you know is taking notes, this about New York:

"It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

Now, I'm not the biggest fan of New York on the planet, but I generally try not to describe it in these terms. And if I was already in trouble for calling my African-American teammate "a fat monkey", I'd certainly avoid saying anything which could be construed poorly to a damn reporter of a magazine which is among the highest circulation periodicals in the country.

With astute marketing like this, the Speak English movement will be a rousing success, I'm sure.

Though I am curious to hear more from Miss Bikini Universe 2004.

4. The guy had the guts to quote Abraham Lincoln. Okay, he botches the quote, but it takes some serious cajones to invoke the Great Emancipator when you are, you know, John Rocker: "Without assimilation, America will grow more and more divided; and a country divided against itself cannot stand."

I'm also pretty surprised Rocker knows how to use a semicolon. I'm not surprised he leaves out the house metaphor.

5. Quoting from the page again:

"Many of you have inquired about Rocker T-shirts and how to get an autograph."

There's no way that's true. How many people are clamoring for the autograph of a marginal reliever who pitched in a grand total of 255 innings with a career 3.42 ERA? From a strictly baseball standpoint, Kerry Ligtenberg had a more significant career, and I can't imagine anyone asking him for his autograph (nothing against Ligtenberg, who was a pretty decent pitcher, but I'd bet dollars to donuts you didn't know he played for the D-backs last season).

6. I can't believe I wrote this much about the guy. I must really not want to study right now.